sooji kimnComment

stillness

sooji kimnComment
stillness

i'm still in the process of figuring out what's next... sometimes the stillness bothers me, bc it's only when you're still and really listening that you start to notice all the noise around you. i was drowning in all the societal expectations of me and i didn't even realize it. one day, i woke up and told myself that i was done. i closed all of my social media accounts and found myself in a different kind of quiet and stillness. to be honest, it might have been one of the best forms of self-care i did in 2018. my friendships and interactions with others have improved tremendously, just due to the fact that i would actually miss people since i didn't know what was going on in their lives. i've come to realize that i probably don't skew that far in the introvert spectrum as i initially thought... and that's a huge revelation to me.

i've reconnected with some old friends and the depth of vulnerability and growth that has resulted in the midst of our conversations has been so important for me during this period of my life. there have been so many realizations that never would've come to the surface if it hadn't been for the opportunity to express my thoughts and feelings out loud. i've always put immense value to verbalizing your feelings (after all, my primary love language is words of affirmation), but there's also something so important about thinking out loud. my need for introspection was directly related to my need for control, and instead of allowing myself to feel my emotions i was too busy thinking about them and trying to understand them first, which when you think about... it's all sorts of backwards. i was never good dealing with emotions that are ignited by something out of my control, such as anger and embarrassment, because they force me to feel before i can understand why i feel them. 

perhaps the stillness and quiet in my life right now is another form of control since i'm the one that gets to choose what disrupts it, but the point is that i'm allowing myself that space to show myself how to.