growing pains

the month of july has been extremely trying personally. self-discoveries were made and i was once again reminded how everything in life isn't what it seems... including my sense of identity. i can only imagine the anxiety my mother must have felt while she raised me, her only child, as she ceaselessly ensured that i would grow up to be emotionally and intellectually sufficient. i think that was the magic word growing up, "be self-sufficient". 

it's almost ironic now when i think about it because i feel like my innate need to be self-sufficient has hindered me from being honest with myself and ultimately from showing grace to myself. i let that seed fester instead of nurturing it inside of me, and it became an obsession to be put together, responsible and unmoved (clearly my definition of self-sufficient is very off). i didn't let myself be affected by what was going on around me, and even when i thought i was being vulnerable i was fiercely guarding this ideal i had for myself. i've realized it got so bad that i spent a lot of my twenties living in denial of what was going on inside of me. i was okay, no really, i was OKAY... because it wasn't acceptable for me not to be.

in short, i didn't allow myself to live. 

as i embark on my last year in my twenties, i know that i can't undo any of the hurt i've inflicted on myself, but i can definitely work on learning to love myself amidst all my brokenness.