mind vomit

you know those days where you're struck with this need to express whatever turmoil is going on inside of you? no? okay i don't really either, because they don't happen often, but when they do i love that sensation of freeing myself from whatever shackles and limitations i put on myself (which is really what the purpose of this post will be, however minuscule the attempt).

for as long as i can remember, i've learned to deal with my feelings and thoughts on my own - i've come to the realization that sometimes this causes a lot of conflict in my relationships because i fail to communicate with others where i stand. i'm not sure when it was, but it's been a foundational belief for as long as i can remember, "communication is the backbone of all relationships" that is, unless we're talking about my own feelings and thoughts... on a side note, if there was a nicer or prettier way to phrase this i would consider getting it tattooed somewhere. i digress though, i think that means that i'm adverse to confrontation - when in fact, i was always under the impression that i was "protecting" others from conflict/drama if it was something i could just deal by myself internally. someone called me out and said i was being selfish and that ultimately i was just trying to protect myself instead of actively/fighting to loving others. oof. this was SO hard to hear.

i've realized while writing this post that i'm also very ambiguous in my writing, and i think that's due to a fear i don't acknowledge i have frequently - fear of true transparency? or rather being found out that i'm just a fraud. though technically, i suppose writing it down is my acknowledgement of said fear.  it's funny bc i'm also very attracted to transparent ppl... something about liking in others the traits we wished we had?

getting older doesn't necessarily mean getting wiser - sometimes i feel like i'm still 22 stuck in a 32 year old's body. sad. they tell me i'll only "grow up" or "mature" if i have kids of my own. what. OR if i fight and survive through a monumental tragedy in my life. i'm not sure which is worse/better. 

i think getting older has made me even more introspective, but not in a very positive way. i used to think about the well-being of humanity as a whole a lot more when i was younger, now i just lament the weakness of my soul and my own humanity. what purpose does my life serve in the grand scheme of things? the answer scares me, yet please please don't let it be nothing. that would be even worse.

i've said this for as long as i can remember... sometimes, i really wish i could just disappear.

"fear is good. like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. fear tells us what we have to do..... the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it"

baby steps i guess. i can't just sit still forever.